HELLO!

When two conversations at two different parts of the day, shared with two people who are not connected in any way to one another, collide, I know I have my blog topic for the day! I had breakfast with a family member, and I was asked about how I respond to crisis conversations, when the other is in the midst of a deep challenge. I explained while I have attended many workshops, seminars, and taken several courses, in pastoral counselling, the reality is I am not a “Counsellor”, I am a minister with some pastoral and counselling skills. Any conceit I would know as much as a trained-credentialed counsellor, would quickly come to an end if I compared what I know to what they know. However, the most helpful skill I have learned in responding to crisis is to let the one in the crisis lead the way, explain what is going on, what they are looking for, what confuses them, where they identify the need for support. On one hand I am NOT an advice giver, I have no “so here is what you do…” prescriptions. On the other hand, the “I hear you saying” approach can get tired very quickly. In almost every crisis visit the other has asked me, “what would you do”, and if I am being honest, when I am in crisis, I want more than, “I hear you saying”. What I try to do is first listen, find out the questions being asked, the specific type of support being requested (not everyone responds to the same crisis in the same way). After listening, I try to share a wide range of possible responses to the questions being asked, drawing on the many, many people I have met who found their way forward in a multitude of different ways. I rarely tell people what I did, since my own approach tends to be a little eccentric.

Later, I ran into someone who told me they were happy to return to their role as a volunteer, after weeks of dealing with a crisis. I get it. It’s funny, after a death, it’s common for people to identify persons they did not hear from, I can tell they are disappointed. After my father died, I can’t think of anyone I didn’t hear from that disappointed me. I am not one to feel hurt or resentful about what others didn’t do. However, there was one conversation that annoyed me, it occurred when I returned to work after sitting with my unconscious father as he lay dying in that week. I wanted to distract myself and focus on others who were going through their own challenges. One person said, “I know you will be leaving soon and heading right back to your father, as that is the right thing to do”. This person identified herself as an “empath”, but the truth is she was only empathetic as long as I was doing as she wanted me to do. Many involved in a crisis, like having a loved one dying over a week’s time, need to take some breaks, my brothers and I took turns for exactly this reason. None of us went on vacation with friends, we took time to engage with “the outside world” as our mental health required. And, such a change of scenery, listening to others and their crisis, helped me put things in perspective. Taking a break, and taking turns, was hugely beneficial to how I dealt with this crisis. It may not be what others would do, but it helped me and is helping the person I spoke with today.

Peace, Kevin

PS Some may question why I was volunteering at Margaret’s House today, on my vacation, but again, it helps put things in perspective, reminding me “it’s not all about you”. We are all, truly, in this together.

Photo of Dave Thompson and me, taken by Cathy Belanger.