HELLO!

The more I sit with people whose loved ones have died, hear them tell me they are going home to write their mother/father’s obituary, the more I ponder what my legacy will be, what was my mother/father’s legacy. I think about this when I spend time with friends as well, less what they have meant to me, more what they have meant to a variety of people. I have made many mistakes in my life, usually because I “jumped” before I thought or prayed. In almost every case where I messed up, more time waiting on a more thoughtful response, would have saved me and others much heartache. My mistakes were never done in anger (I have never known rage or lost my temper), rather they have come when others have affirmed me to a point where I had too much confidence in my analysis and said things I was not qualified to say. When I hear opinion makers on social media pontificating on all kinds of matters, some where they have insight, and some where they are “over their skies” I can see myself.

The problem for me is that I do sometimes see things others don’t, a product of an oddness that provides perspective. Often, with family and friends, I get a lot of “I’ve tried all the obvious and conventional approaches, but you always have an insight I don’t find anywhere else, so tell me what you think of this challenge I am facing?” I don’t give advice, but I offer a series of possible alternatives, based on others who have shared their struggles with me, things they tried that worked. But after a number of these conversations, where praise comes to me, I may be tempted to offer thoughts that, with reflection, are based on limited information. The solution? I no longer accept compliments or affirmation. I shut them down immediately. People find this rude, but it has helped me immensely, the humility of knowing my failures, my limitations.

If there is a positive part of my legacy it is being open to every conversation and reliable to those who seek me out. The number of complete strangers who call/email/approach me in person and engage in meaningful conversations about their lives is numerous. And at 63 I am experiencing the fruit of this mindset. People I supported, not because they were family or a client or a friend or a parishioner, complete strangers, come up to me and remind me how we met. This happened to me no less than four times this week already. Two women who attended a church service I offered at a long-term care facility, a young man waiting at a bus stop who saw my name on the church sign and came into the building looking for me, and a man who remembered meeting me on the bus after he “came out” to his family. Being open to these conversations (being organized, I never had to worry about a sermon to write or work left undone), making time for strangers, has been part of my legacy.

Perhaps you too ponder your legacy, the ups and the downs, the flaws and the gifts. I do not believe this is nostalgia or “looking backward” as I believe such reflection leads to better outcomes in the future.

Peace, Kevin

PS One woman I met told me about the funeral I offered for her mother 35 years ago. I did not recognize her name or her mother’s name, but when she mentioned her aunt, I immediately remembered Edna, she made me this colourful blanket, which warms me on my red chesterfield.

PPS As I ponder this these songs, by my two favorite singers come to me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36GeMlscjGY Jonathan Richman, and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVnH9r7NF28 Loudon Wainwright.