HELLO!

I begin with sad news. Betty Feltmate, Maureen Woods’ mother, died early this morning. Betty was 99 years old. Maureen has been keeping a vigil, visiting every day recently, as her mother was slipping away. Many of us can relate to that experience. It is exhausting, and yet, knowing you were there, till the end, is a meaningful reassurance. No one wants to die alone. Many of you know my father lived with debilitating colitis for many years, he eventually needed to move into an assisted living residence. After he was diagnosed with early dementia, nurses and doctors waited until the time he would need to move into a long-term care facility. That time came, and when we agreed, he would go to the first place with a bed, we were relieved to discover he would be in Halifax, where all three of his sons lived. Dad only lived less than a year there, his health began to deteriorate, despite receiving wonderful care from the inhouse doctors and nurses. His body was wearing out. He stopped eating. And we too entered into a waiting time. The nurses called us at 2 am to say he would die that night. We got there soon after. He died at 4 am. Like Maureen, we were spent, emotionally, physically. And yet…I knew the room where he lived was highly sought after, given our wait. So we cleared out his room (he was a minimalist, so it was not difficult). By 5 am the funeral home arrived to take his body away. As we moved around his room, moving his things to our cars, we spoke to him, each item reminded us of an experience, a memory. Scott suggested we go to a nearby all-day breakfast restaurant. For some time, we were the only ones there. The memories continued. I share this to say, it helps so much, in these fragile times, to be together. My father would be pleased we were all there.

https://www.dignitymemorial.com/en-ca/obituaries/halifax-ns/alan-little-11559430

I had a conversation last week with someone who has been reading on what to say, what not to say, to those who have experienced a recent death in their family. What I shared with him, I share with you, the most important thing to ponder, as you find your words, is this is about them, not you. The most unhelpful words spoken to me when Dad died were attempts by friends to make them feel better, by trying to get me to feel better. “It was his time”. And “He wanted to go.” And “It’s all for the best”. In this case all those statements were true. But in many other instances, none of those comments are accurate, and in fact, they only inflame the situation by reminding the one in grief, how angry and deeply sad they are by this reality. What grieving people need is support, “How are you feeling?”, asking with the openness to hear words that reveal pain, sadness, even anger. If we are not ready to listen, we ought not to ask. Further, the offer I make to those in grief is, “I am thinking/praying for you” and follow that up with later texts, emails or calls. Those in grief typically find comfort in knowing others care and are checking in.

As church minister, author and psychologist Erik Kolbell has said, “what I have learned from grieving families is they are more appreciative of a good casserole than bad theology”. Words I try to remember.

Peace, Kevin

PS My friend Brian Williams sent me this photo this morning, he titled it “dearly remembered”. I opened it as I was about to call Maureen. It seems fitting for this blog, re-membering our loved ones with stories.